Dark Night of the Soul

For many of us, there will be periods in our lifetime where we will reevaluate or question everything in our life, including our job, home, friends, family and self. Our Soul's growth depends on us being able to transform outdated beliefs and ego-centric behaviors in order to better realize our highest potential.

Sometimes these moments in time can look like a breakup or divorce, a change of job, a relocation or a death of a loved one. It can also look like a traumatic experience, an accident, or a prolonged disease or illness.

Whenever we’re in a state of transition, we’re usually being asked to let go of what’s no longer working in our life and fill the void with something better and more life affirming. Life’s transitions usually look like a combination of endings and beginnings all wrapped up into one, chaotic and slightly messy time period.

If we’re unable to realize our higher purpose on our own, one of two things will happen. Either, we’ll begin willingly searching for our correct path during these transitions, or, we’ll be forced to search for our truth by having everything that is untrue taken away from us or dismantled.

I can promise you that the first choice is much easier. Many times in my life, I've chosen the more difficult path and, as a result, have experienced dramatic clearings of people, places and things that were no longer serving me. My life has been disassembled many times as a way to propel me into a new way of perceiving the world. Each chaotic moment has opened my eyes to deeper truths, greater realizations and a restructuring of my belief systems.

There’s something interesting that happens when we refuse or are unwilling to change our life for the better. Many religions and spiritual teachings have referred to this spiritual crisis as the “dark night of the soul” or the “death of the ego.” These pressure-cooker situations can leave you feeling vulnerable, frustrated, raw, lost, confused, depressed and hopeless.

Fortunately, these periods in our lives are only temporary. They usually last a few weeks or months. Personally, I've experienced periods of darkness that have lasted years. But, no matter how long your dark night of the soul lasts, there is one thing for certain: if you can hold on and embrace the transition, you'll end up on the other side stronger, better and more aligned with your Higher Self.

In 2015, the Universe was ready for me to evolve, and I, so stuck in my old ways, decided I’d try to resist the surge of transitions life threw at me. What happened throughout the next 18-months was the darkest, saddest and most depressing time in my life. I was experiencing an extremely dark night of my soul. And, to be honest, this was actually my third (yes, third!) period in my adult life where I experienced a chaotic dismantling.

I won't go into all of the details here, but, by the time I reached my 500th consecutive dark night, I was a complete and utter mess of a person. I was having nervous breakdowns and panic attacks every other day. I didn’t sleep and was crying all of the time. My body stopped working the way it was meant to, I was constantly sick, and my milk supply for my infant daughter ran out. I was angry and overcome with fits of rage.

If I hadn’t already been pushed off of the edge by a never-ending series of difficult life events, a sudden death in my family left me feeling like I was free-falling into even greater depths of darkness. This death was the final straw that broke me.

At the funeral, my children, Jackson and Jayma, began loudly fussing halfway through the service. I was mortified. I decided to take the kids outside so we wouldn’t make a big scene.

Outside of the funeral home, we found a bench to sit on. Both kids started crying and I began feeling completely overwhelmed. The pain I was experiencing was unbearable. In that moment, I felt all of the agony of the last 18-months of my life. That was the moment, I snapped and completely surrendered to the pain.

I remember allowing myself to completely break, right there on that bench. I cried out, “Stop! Please, just stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Oh my God, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this. Not another day. I can’t. Please, just stop.”

I really don’t know why that moment sticks out in my head so much, but I remember it so clearly. An outsider would have assumed I was speaking to my children to be quiet. But honestly, in that moment, I was speaking to God. It felt like my Soul had suddenly chosen that particular moment to shatter into a million pieces and I could no longer hold them together anymore.

Only You Can Save Yourself

Looking back, I must have been really good at hiding my desperation because no one offered help. Not one single person.

This is the thing about the dark nights though. You eventually come to realize that nobody can save you except yourself. You’ll spend a great deal of time buried deep in a hole, waiting for a hand or a rope or a lifeline to pull you out. But, when it never comes, you eventually have to decide if you want to stay in the darkness for the rest of your life or if you’re going to attempt to dig yourself out and create something new.

Shortly after that heartbreaking scene at the funeral service, I announced to my husband that I was going to seek medical help. I was now eight months postpartum with Jayma and was beginning to realize that my thoughts and feelings weren’t normal and that I couldn't take on the weight of the World on my own.

The doctor gave me a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication. It was just in time, too, because the construction of our second restaurant was finished, and we were working around the clock to ensure a successful grand opening.

The medications helped me to feel more emotionally stable. But I still didn’t feel “right”. Even though my outbursts and extreme anxiety had resided, I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t experience the lows like I previously had, but I also wasn’t able to experience the highs and joys of life. It was as if I was numb, which is not an ideal place to be.

If the medication did one thing helpful, it offered me a sense of clarity. The one thing that I began to see clearly was that I was stuck in a life that I didn’t want. I was stuck in a life that I didn’t belong in. I was not living up to my life's purpose.

The Climb

All of the chaos, challenges, loss, drama, pain, depression and suffering that I had experienced over the course of that year-and-a-half had made me come face-to-face with the fact that I wasn’t happy with the way that my life was turning out. I had followed a narrative for the last 28 years of my life that was everyone else’s story but my own.

It took the most difficult year of my life to realize that I needed to rewrite my own story. I just didn’t have the slightest idea on where to start.

To be honest, I don’t think I had ever really written my own story. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life. I didn’t even know who I was, let alone who I was becoming.

There’s a Gospel song that goes, “The deeper the valley, the higher the mountain top. The heavier the burden, the greater God’s grace.” It would take several years later for me to understand that the valley that nearly broke me, was also the one that gave me my biggest opportunity to grow, expand and step into my greatness.

On my 29th birthday I sent out a very deep and personal prayer to the Universe. And one, that over the next few years would begin to be answered. These prayers would slowly begin to unravel and take me on the wildest climb up the mountain of my life.

In the end, it was this very climb that helped me to realize my soul's calling as a healer, a way shower and a light worker. I know that, without a doubt, I would have never realized my highest potential had it not been for my own personal dark night of the soul.

The Global Awakening

In a previous blog post I talked about how, as a collective, we are currently experiencing one of the greatest global transformations to have ever happened on this planet.

As I look at the World, I observe many people right now being forced to change. Many have lost their jobs. Parents are rethinking the way they will educate their children. Families are questioning the medical system. Many Americans are reexamining current political beliefs and government structures. Every single person that I know has recently had their beliefs challenged.

When I look at the World, it seems to me like we are collectively witnessing a Dark Night of Humanity's Soul. Everything that is not in humanity's highest Divine alignment is falling away. Nothing and nobody is immune to this current dismantling.

For the foreseeable future, we will continue to witness all systems, collective beliefs and structures that are no longer working to serve humanity fall apart. This includes areas in education, finance, medicine, politics, government, and religion.

Those of us who are used to doing this kind of deep inner work will find the next 3-5 years filled with hope, creation, and excitement. I find myself curiously amused by the events happening in the World and know that on the other side of the downfall is an opportunity for humanity to rebuild and rewrite a better narrative for ourselves and for future generations.

Those who haven't done deep shadow work yet may find the next couple of years very challenging. Some people will struggle to embrace change and transformation while they continue to cling to the comfort of their old beliefs and patterns. Remember, that those who are unwilling to "go with the flow" during times of transition will continue to be put in pressure-cooker situations until they finally surrender to the new.

You get to choose how you will respond to this global awakening. Are you going to flow with the transitions and upcoming challenges with ease and grace? Or, are you going to be pulled every step of the way kicking and screaming like a toddler refusing her inevitable bath?

Focus on Creation

Each moment is an opportunity to choose where you place your attention. When you focus your attention on what is dying or changing there will be a lot of rising fear and a desire to control or grasp the old paradigms. When you focus your energy on what is being birthed or created from the ashes you will feel a greater sense of freedom and joy.

In the end, everything boils down to love or fear. What are you choosing? And, where is your focus?

In these difficult moments, if you're finding yourself in a place of fear or chaos, a shift in perspective is needed. Destruction does not have to be chaotic or painful. In fact, destruction is the very thing that we each need in order to set us free. Destruction can be beautiful, if we allow ourselves to see it as such.

As someone who's created and birthed two beautiful babies into this World, I an attest that if you spend your entire labor and delivery focusing only on the pain and discomfort, you're going to have a very difficult experience. But, if you focus on the end result, which is being able to hold your healthy, beautiful creation in your arms, then it makes all of the birthing pains worth it.

Giving birth is not a comfortable situation. But, the creation of a new life is worth every single second of distress. Essentially, we have to choose to look past the current chaos and focus on the overall outcome and the bigger picture. (Spoiler alert... the best is yet to come!)

Practical Tools for Embracing Change

First, trust the Divine plan that is unfolding. There is a destruction that has to happen before we can start rebuilding and recreating a better life. Similarly, people, places, and things that aren't in alignment must dissolve in order for us to move on. Allow the process of death and rebirth to work its magic.

Second, direct your attention on what you want to create rather than focusing on what is fading. Focusing on the new or the highest possible outcome will shift you into your heart. Remember that choosing love over fear is always a choice. Choose wisely!

Third, take care of yourself. Do things daily that refocus your attention on your own personal self-care and wellbeing. That might look like a nice bath, quiet time in prayer or meditation or a walk out in nature. Regularly detox yourself from toxic people, unfulfilling activities, the news and social media as all of these things can pull you right out of your heart and into the stream of chaos, manipulation or fear.

Finally, dark nights require us to be fluid. There is so much coming up for each of us in our life that is meant to challenge and trigger us. What beliefs are you currently holding that are no longer serving you? What is needing to be transitioned? What systems and structures are you beginning to question?

The current challenges are encouraging each of us to unhook and unprogram ourselves from the old ways of thinking and living in this World. The more that you're able to do this kind of work yourself, the easier it will be to embrace the New Earth that is being birthed into our lives.

With Love,

Kelsey